This site has a new home: www.fernandosouza.org

This blog won't disappear, it just won't be updated anymore. Things are not going to change at all, I'll just be posting from now on, on the new blog linked above. The new domain fernandosouza.org is now working and this domain abittersweetlife.net will soon be redirected to the new blog and this blog will be linked there. So don't worry, you will still be able to check this place whenever you want.

See you in the new blog...

Some few posts back I posted about hurting then (at the time) or hurting later. I chose later (how stupid) and later came early this morning around 3 a.m. The result so far is a sleepless night (with a second on its way) and an entire day without eating anything. When will this shit end, huh?

Sorry, I won't tell you what happened simply because it's a long story and difficult to put on words. There will probably be more chapters in it, but I'm not sure whether I want to get involved or not. But since I'm bloody stupid and never learn, I suppose I'll keep posting about what happens. It's a way of getting the stuff out of me, somehow...

I've just got my friend's Renato Tribuzy newest cd - Execution Live Reunion - and it was a cool surprise to see my name mentioned on the "thank you" section of the cd booklet. It was the 2nd time this happened. The first time was a few years ago, when my name appeared on the Sack Trick - Sheep in Kiss Make-up album. So fucking cool!

I hate not having the feeling to know exactly what's going on between us. Sometimes it seems obvious that there is a thing, sometimes everything gets cloudy and what seemed obvious turns out to be not even possible.

Of course that the fact of me being completely crazy about her affects my judgment and I see everything the way I want to see, creating a wrong/false impression that only makes things worse. These things (her acts) are at least weird. That's how some friends of mine described them when I told them what had happened. These weird things keep happening and I don't know where they will take me, or her, or even us.

I know I should talk to her, but then I'm just too scared of what might happen. If she's just a friend and if that's how she wants to stay, things will just be strange for a long while, you know... I'm scared of that! But there's one thing that I think I'm even more scared of: It's the possibility that she really wants something more serious. I don't know how I'll be able to handle that, it's been a long time since I was into a serious relationship and the fear of ruining everything is fucking big.

Let's see how long I'll keep it going till I make the decision to finally talk to her face to face. If I know me as I think I know, this talk will probably never happen. And in a distant future I'll be asking myself: "what if..."

Welcome to my world!

My friend Z went to SP this morning. Good-bye my friend, see you soon!

Damn, this whole week was so damn fun! Specially last night, big metal event that lasted for almost 5 hours, met great friends, talked a lot of bullshit too. At 1 am we (me + 3 friends, 2 being girls) left the club and went straight to the other side of the city (and what a huge city this is!) where we arrived at almost 2, and went to say good-bye to Z. When we arrived he had already stopped playing, but as soon as he saw us, he played one extra song to his "VIP guests" as he said... After that we just talked and he shared some 'kin funny stories to end a perfect night. We left the place at almost 4 AM. The trip back home was fun too, you have no idea of what a drunk friend can talk on the back seat of your car. Oh well, maybe you can...

My first post from my laptop and it had to be about Z, the guy who made it possible. I had forgotten how much fun I could still have in a simply random night. Thanks for all the gifts you brought me, thanks for the fun and the laughs too, those were priceless. See you again, tomorrow or thursday? Hopefully more laughs and silly stuff to talk about. hehehe

Yes, that's what you've just read on the title! L-a-p-t-o-p

I've just got a brand new one! My first one to be more exact. And thanks to my friend Roy Z, who brought it extremely cheap from L.A. this morning. I went to pick him up at the airport, we chatted for a long while, went shopping for clothes, I took him to the apartment were he's staying for the week and that's pretty much it.

And no, I'm not posting this from my laptop because the battery has already gone down. And no, I can't charge it or plug it to the electricity simply because 2 of Roy's bags were lost and my power input was in one of them. Now we must wait for American Airlines to find his bags and deliever them properly. This may take a couple of days and in the meantime I can't use my new toy. Unless I spend a ridiculous amount of money on a power supply and use it just for one or two days... (weirdly, Im considering this option)

I have just now remembered that I hadn't revealed my secret plan. That's what I'm going to do now...

See, the tip was already given, you just weren't able to figure it out. And also you will notice that it's not so much of a big deal!

I'm in a band now. A Rock band. It doesn't mean that I want to be a rock star, though. The plan is very simple: to have fun with friends. Rehearsing and playing whenever and wherever as possible.

The band is called Rachel Black (website soon to be available), and we play rock. We don't write our songs (in the future, who knows?), we just play all the good stuff that was previously written by rock gods.

Here's is a lousy recording of a lousy performance of a lousy rehearsal. Special note for our v.i.p. guests in the room with us that day: the guys from the Tribuzy band.

Rachel Black - Communication Breakdown by Led Zeppelin

So my friend was talking to her earlier today. He kind of let her know what was going on and she kind of let him know that I don't have a green light.

So, I believe I have 2 options:

1- Forget everything and hurt now;
2- Or hurt later by trying slowly to aim a future possibility, and of course, getting the red light again;

Since man is a stupid kind of animal, specially the ones who have feelings for a certain girl, I'm almost decided to choose option 2.

Let's say from ZERO to 5, my last night's balance was:

Before party: 1.5 (being extremely positive)
After party: - 10 (yes, MINUS TEN)

And no, it's not my bank account balance. It's the balance of my saga trying to find the way to a girl's heart.

Sleepless nights, butterflies in the stomach, not knowing what she wants, not having the balls to do what I'm suposed to do, imagining situations that are true or not. Friends that say:

a) "there's a thing in the air between the two of you. It's soooo obvious";
b) "I think there is something going on but it's not so clear";
c) "I am not sure if there's a thing between the two of you;"

And me being a bloody Librah, makes things even worse!!!

This all is still related to 2 posts ago. Go read it!

I guess I've already complained about being lonely plenty of times here, haven't I?

And today I'm complaining again. It's weird how lonely I'm feeling at this exact moment. It's weird because I wasn't suposed to feel that way. I'm working a lot, I met new people, I have new friends. So why am I feeling that way? There's no proper answer, I'm afraid...

Even on msn, which is suposed to connect you with your network of friends around the entire globe, I don't have a single soul to talk to. All of my 57 contacts (yes, I have this little) are currently offline.

So I can just browse the net, talk to myself or go to bed. I guess the last option is the best one. So, good night to you all.

A girl can ask a guy out without having second intentions, can't she?

A girl can insist in inviting this guy out (even when he always tries to find lame excuses for not going) without having second intentions, can't she?

This same girl can ask this same guy out the next day to go somewhere and just do nothing (as she said), without having second intentions, can't she?

And even when the guy keeps finding lame excuses, the girl invites him to her house because some other people would be there, and a little party with him would be fun. Could this all not have a second intention?

Can the same guy ask the same girl out on a random week day, to any given place to do simple things such as spend time together, have a cup of coffe and some ice-cream or chocolate? (the guy not being sure if he has second intentions or not)

Can the same girl give the same lame excuses (exactly the lame excuses the guy gave her previously) and STILL have second intentions? (noticed how I inverted the situation here?)

Can the girl say (joking or not) that the guy lives on her heart on a 3 people chat on msn (being the 2 of them and a common friend the members of the chat) without having second intentions?

This is how messed up my head is at the moment. Comments are apreciated in order to try to unmess it.

I have the strangest way of having the flu.

First my throat bothers (it's not a proper sort of ache) me for a few days. Then it gets sore and I lose my voice for a couple of days. When the voice returns, I still keep talking with robot voice for a couple of days more and then, just then I start having all the known flu symptoms.

No matter what kind of medicine I take, they just don't make me feel any better. I just have to wait for the incubation period to pass.

It sucks!

I've been studying french for 4 or maybe 5 years and I've always found it very difficult. Everytime I struggle to read an article or to understand something on TV5 for example... Today I was in the tube, coming back home, when there was a french or canadian (who really cares?) couple next to me and they were speaking loud enough for me to realize how bad my french really is! Besides a few words here and there I wasn't able to understand a damn thing of what they were talking about. I wonder if I'll ever learn this bloody language!